


Moondance

by soulcomposer



Category: SHINee
Genre: Death, Other, allusion to suicide, indirectly mentioned death, trigger warning suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 01:09:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13179165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulcomposer/pseuds/soulcomposer
Summary: With a heavy heart I've finally written this ode to Jonghyun through the form of Taemin.





	Moondance

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by   
> Taemin’s “Back To You”  
> Jonghyun’s “Elevator” 
> 
> (If there’s a way you can imagine both these songs playing in the background...in SPACE...yeah that would work immensely)
> 
> I’m sorry if this OOC for both Taemin and Jonghyun. I really tried to take my time with how I wanted to write this. And I knew I had to to have some sort of solace. I didn’t know Jonghyun and I only ever frequented Taemin’s music. But since the news I’ve been trying to become a better SHINee fan. I can only hope that there’ll be better days for them and that they can take all the time they need to heal. Also I guess in a way you can read this as Taemin being Jonghyun’s last sliver of conscience.

~  
There’s only grays ...and black. That’s all there was on this surface up until now.

Now there’s a habitant. A young man. Worrisome and thoughtful. He’s adorned in white jeans and a teal sequined military jacket. Silver hair brushed back. His name is Kim Jonghyun.

They say there’s only silence in space. But I didn’t think so. I definitely didn’t think so anymore as I could hear the soft rubble crushing under my feet as I start to move forward.

I also didn’t think I’d manage to get here at all. It feels like a dream to me. But if it grants me one last chance to meet with Jjongie I’m not letting it go to waste.

I make my way over to where he resides, on a fragmented rock. Thankfully there’s room for two.   
I sit down and look down while I try to gather my words to say. There were so many pleading questions going through my mind, some of them coherent, most of them varied begging for the impossible return. 

I look over to my right. I see Jonghyun and he’s only just sighed but he acknowledges my presence by placing his left hand over my right. He doesn’t look to me as he starts to speak. 

“Taemin...do you think I made the right choice? I’ve been trying to let them know that I’m okay, surely you’ve heard. But at the same time I’m skeptical. 

Should I have stayed? Do you hate me now? Please be honest with me. But just know, I really did try to hold out as best I could…”

“Jong-”

“Wait. One more thing. There’s just...so much I wanted to be. I know I chose this life. I made that choice a long time ago. And I wanted to stay with all of you. I’ve done so much with you. I’ve travelled so many places with you, written so many songs, we had so much fun togeth-”

“Jonghyun, please.”, I finally say with my kept in breath and tears free-flowing at this point. I know I look frustrated and disgusted but I had to let him know that it wasn’t directed at him. I grab his hand and gesture for him to get up.

“First off, you look so beautiful. Only you could figure out a way to look this damn graceful not only in the afterlife but in SPACE of all places. 

Second off, it’s hardly been a week and I miss you so damn much. 

Thirdly, you’re here now. And I know your ethereal ass is somehow responsible for having me here too. So just stay with me for a while okay?” I try to reassure with my left hand pressing softly onto his cheek. He gives me a soft yet apprehensive smile and there’s definitely a lost pain in his eyes. Whatever the reason for having me here, alleviating that doubt will be mine before I go. 

“I wonder what this is..? Is it possible to have a conscience in the afterlife as well? Is that why you’re here? Even so, it’s so nice to see you.” And his smile in response is so damn genuine it hurts. I only respond with a hum as I pull him close to my chest, making him huff a bit but settle nonetheless. I hold out our still connected hands, and move my other slowly down his back starting a side to side sway. Our feet shuffle a bit but hell we’ve been at this game for over 10 years, we can adjust.

“Now listen to me Jonghyun. Trust me, we’re still mourning and we’ll be stuck figuring out for a long time what to do next. But you mustn't blame yourself anymore. I wish I could bring you back, turn back the clock to the start of this, so that we could have picked up on the signs and get you the treatment you rightfully deserved. To have provided you with better support. Because I know this wasn’t sudden. You had this planned out. And I think that’s what hurts the most.”, and I’m choking over my words at the unsteady hitches in my throat caused by the sudden sobs. 

“Did I do well? Taemin,” Jonghyun peers up with glossy eyes. “Did I do well? Was I enough?”, his voice that wavered like a lost child’s. 

And I smile through yet another single tear that runs down my face. And I momentarily give us enough space so I can step back and bring Jongie in for a twirl. I pull him back into my arms. 

“You did so well Jongie. You were so kind. Even now after you’re gone, you are still so kind. You think we don’t see you? Changing the lights ...haha you’ve made it so obvious, so extra, just as I’d expect of you Jongie.” I stop our sway so I can just hold him close to me one last time. 

“I’ll miss you. We all will. But you’ve shown us that you’re safe now. And that you’ll be okay. So you can be okay now. Shake that ounce of doubt you have left away now”, I whisper into his silver hair one last time. He shudders and sighs again but this time it’s different. It’s lifted. 

“Thank you. You don’t know how good it feels to finally hear that” Jonghyun is laughing softly now, with his right hand coming up to cover his smile in embarrassment. And I see it there. His tear, translucent, yet with a tinge of teal, fall on the pile of rubble. The pile of rubble starts to recede and eventually fade into dust. 

I notice the same starting to happen with me. I guess it’s my time now. 

“I know you’ll never be truly gone. You’ll always be watching over me, watching over us. I can only hope that we’ll make you proud while you’re here.” 

“I know you will Taemin. I know you will” He nods as he steps back from me and starts heading back to sit back on his fragmented rock, his moon I suppose now. He gives one last wave back, with confidence in his eyes now, as he turns back and sits. With his head held high now.

‘You’ll always be with us Jonghyun’ I let out as I fade back to existence.

**Author's Note:**

> Despite the fact I didn’t know Jonghyun well his passing really hit me because of who he was and what he stood for. Someone who was successful in his passions, humble, genuine, yet still self-doubting and in pain. It constantly dwells in my mind what would happen if I were to take the same path, what outcome would it have? Would it be for the better? Would I finally be free of the pain that comes with not feeling good enough? Feeling that no one could ever genuinely understand? That there’s no use in reaching out or trying anymore? I’m still at a loss. I can only hope that with this writing and in the New Year ...and that with Jonghyun’s passing..I can become stronger.


End file.
